Running Away From Sorrow
by Padfoots Gal2
Summary: Lily Evans finds herself alone in the world, even though she has friends. She has to learn to endure her hardships. But can she do that without hurting herself first? L/J


A/N. Well, here it is. No chapters to mess with. Just one long fic. L/J. I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I love you all! ~*Padfoots Gal*~  
  
Lily Marie Evans sat in her bedroom doing her summer homework that her strict teachers had given her. She sighed and continued onto the next assignment. Write out your family tree. You may seek the help of your family if you like. Lily moaned. She knew absolutely nothing about her real father.  
  
See, her mother, Natalie, had been married to Jonas, Lily's biological father. He had a good office job. Then for some reason he began to change. He went off for long periods of time, leaving Natalie and Lily alone. He would eventually turn up, and go back to his job as if nothing at all had happened.  
  
After two years worth of him disappearing on and off, Lily's mom divorced him. He went away and never came back. Not even to see his own daughter. Lily was eight then. Lily and her mother lived quite happily after that. She had gone back to finish law school, which she had dropped out of when Lily was born. She graduated, and joined a small, London law firm. She became successful, winning most of her cases.  
  
Lily had grown to become very dependent on herself. She was happy that her mother had a good job that she liked, but, she just never had time for Lily. Lily would walk to school every morning, and walk home each afternoon. She would then proceed to call her mother at work. (If she was in her office, which wasn't very often). Then, she would find a book and lay down on her bed and read until she got hungry. She would go into the kitchen and fix herself whatever she was in the mood in. If she wanted to order out, she would get some money her mom would leave for her on the fridge.  
  
Life continued like that for awhile. Then something Lily never would have thought happened. One day, in early July, a owl swooped into her room, and dropped a letter on her head. She had read the letter and ran downstairs where her mother was working in the study. Her mother had told her 'Not now. I'm busy.' But Lily ran in and told her about it. They had gone to the Leaky Cauldron and Lily's mom had bought her all of her school things, plus an owl, which Lily had named Tristy. Lily was so happy. She got to go off to a school to learn magic! She must have been the luckiest person alive. She had read and memorized all her books. She didn't wan't to not know anything. She had learned of all the houses and the term muggle from the book called 'Hogwarts, A History', which she had also bought in Diagon Alley. She remembered getting up on September 1st, excited, full of adrenaline. She couldn't wait to get to King's Cross Station where the train would drop her off to school.  
  
She had eaten toast for breakfast and then asked her mom to take her to the station early. Her mother complied, only because she needed to work on a big case and needed peace and quiet. So she had driven Lily to King's Cross, and helped Lily get a trolly and kissed her good-bgye and hurried back to the car.  
  
Lily remembered looking around and asking herself where platform 9 and 3/4 was. She had gotten there at ten and the train left at eleven. She couldn't believe this! She began to panic. She was just beginning to think how stupid it was for her to think that she could actually have gone to this school, when someone tapped her on the shoulder. Lily turned around to see a boy around her height, with light brown hair and hazel eyes.  
  
"Hi. I'm Remus Lupin. You look lost. Need help?" Remus asked Lily politely. Lily didn't know if he was magical or not, so, if he wasn't, then she would just go ahead and make a fool of herself.  
  
"I'm Lily Evans. Yes. I'm lost. Do you know where Platform 9 and 3/4 is?" Lily asked him. She was rewarded with a smile.  
  
"Sure do. Just walk right through the barrior between platforms nine and ten and you'll be there. Here. I'll go with you." they both had grabbed their trolleys and walked straight through the sloid looking barrior! Remus looked at her shocked face. "Muggle born?" he asked, ripping Lily from her thoughts.  
  
"Yeah. This whole magic thing is new to me. Lets get our stuff on the train." They both grabbed their trunks and put them in an empty compartment near the back. They started talking about which house they wanted to be in, when tow boys barged into their compartment laughing incontrollably.  
  
"Ah. Who are you?" Lily asked them as they regained composure of themselves.  
  
"I'm James Potter and this is Sirius Black." James had black hair that looked like it hadn't had a brush run through it in years and dark brown eyes. Sirius also had black hair that was long and tied back in a ponytail. Sirius grinned at them. "You are?" James inquired.  
  
"I'm Lily Evans, and this is Remus Lupin. We're both first years. You?" Lily decided that they looked nice and she felt completely at ease talking with them.  
  
"Nice to meet your acquaintance Lady Lily. Yes, I, Sirius Black am a first year, and it would only be my pleasure to be sorted into the same house as you." Sirius said, taking Lily's hand and kissing it. Lily laughed at how stupid he sounded. He tried to sound french, and the key word there was tried. James and Sirius ended up sitting in their compartment with them. They laughed and talked the whole way.  
  
They all turned green when the train lurched to a stop and all hurriedly put their robes on over their clothes and followed all the students onto the platform. A giant of a man was yelling for first years, so thats where they went. They took the traditional trip across the lake and ohhed and ahhed at their first sight of Hogwarts. They were lead into the Great Hall by a strict looking teacher called professor McGonagall. They listened to the sorting song, which was sung by the sorting hat.  
  
Lily watched as Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor. She was worried. What if she wasn't sorted at all? And since when did her come so close to the beginning of the alphabet? She needn't have worried. For after sitting on the stoll with the hat over her head for two minutes, she was also sorted into Gryffindor. She was so happy her heart could have burst. Her and Sirius watched and cheered as Remus and James both became Gryffindors.  
  
That whole year was spent playing pranks, doing all the homework that their teachers had assigned them, and becoming best friends. Among the group were, of course, Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus, but also a stubby little boy who began to follow them around everywhere which was rather annoying. And Lily's other best friend, Mary Thomas. She was always exhuberent, bouncing around, and thought the same exact way Sirius did, which was very, very, scary. She was as tall as Lily, but had long brown hair and blue eyes. When summer came along they were all planning on going to visit each other at James' house, where they would plan everything for the upcoming year. So with cheerful goodbyes, they went their seperate ways. Lily wasn't really excited about going home. It was so boring. She saw her mother standing over by the doors and walked over to her smiling.  
  
"Hi mom! I missed you!" Lily had told her mother while hugging her around her middle.  
  
"I missed you too Lily. Now, we need to get home. I have a surprise for you." she disentangled Lily and led her to the car. Lily looked out the window. You don't really know how much you miss things until you actually pass by them, or visit them, or just look at them. Lily jumped out of the car as soon as her mother pulled into their gravel driveway. She ran into her house and into the living room where she stopped dead in her tracks. Standing there was a tall man with dark hair and dark eyes. He was looking at Lily strangely, as if he was analyzing her.  
  
"You must be Lily." he said and walked towards her and pulled her into a tight hug. When Lily didn't respond he pulled back and held her at arms length. "Your mother said that you would be pretty. I see that you live up to her." still Lily didn't say anything. Who was this man? This man who was in her home? "Natalie, darling." he said as Lily's mother walked into the room. He went over and kissed her on the cheek. He then put an arm around her shoulder.  
  
"Lily. This is my husband. Charlie. And yes indeed Charlie, this is Lily. Lily, Charlie is going to be your father now. He even legally adopted you as his own child. And he knows about your being a witch. Isn't it wonderful?" Lily's mother said. Lily stood there dumbstruck. HE was going to be her father. She didn't need a father. Not at all. She just looked back and forth between her mom and the man. Charlie, she reminded herself. She looked towards her mom's happy face. How could she do this to her? Not even talk to her about it first?  
  
She looked back at her mom and knew that she couldn't tell her that she was unhappy. She would just have to deal with it. She didn't like it in the least bit. But she plastered a smile on her face and said hello, and talked to them for a few minutes before running up to her room so she could owl Mary.  
  
Mary,  
  
Oh my god! My mother got married! She got married! I don't know  
  
what to do! He seems nice enough, but, I don't know! She brings me  
  
home and tells me that she has a surprise for me, so I run into the  
  
living room and there he is! I couldn't talk for like, ten minutes. I  
  
didn't know what to say. I don't know how I feel about this. Why  
  
didn't she tell me about him when I wrote my weekly letters? Why  
  
couldn't she have asked me about how I would feel about this? My  
  
real father left me and my mom when I was eight. I don't know what  
  
I'm gunna do. Owl me back with suggestions. I need them.  
  
Your best bud,  
  
Lily  
  
  
  
Lily sent the letter off with Tristy, and sat down on her bed and put her face in her hands. This was definately going to take some getting used to. She walked down into the kitchen when she began to get hungry, and saw not just her mother and Charlie, but there was also another girl her age sitting at the table with them. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She looked like a horse. Lily almost laughed out loud.  
  
"Lily, this is your step-sister Petunia. Petunia, this is Lily." Charlie introduced them. Lily couldn't help but thinking 'Great! Do they just want to give me a heart attack?' She nodded politely to petunia and sat down at the wooden table. She loaded some spagetti onto her plate and began eating quietly, not really listening to the conversation that Charlie, Petunia and her mother were having. This was too weird. Having dinner as a family? That hasn't happened in forever. The summer continued like that for awhile. She wrote to Mary regularly, and always kept her updated on what was going on in her life. Petunis was a stuck up brat. She thought that she was above Lily for some strange reason. Lily couldn't see anything special about her. She was one year older than Lily and kept calling her freak and abnormal under her breath so only Lily would hear her. Lily didn't really care what she said, she liked who she was.  
  
Then one week about mid-way through her summer her mom got sick. The doctors didn't know what is was, so they couldn't do anything for her except give her medicine for the pain. And that didn't help at all. Then, three weeks later, her mom died, leaving her in the custody of Charlie. She left everything to him. Charlie was also a lawyer, but didn't take as many cases so her was home a lot. The first few weeks after her mom's funeral were really hard for Lily. Lily hadn't owled anyone since she died. She didn't want any sympathy. She could have written to them, but they would have asked her to go to James' like they had all planned, and if they saw her now, then they would know that something was wrong. So she iqnored all owls that her friends had sent her. Knowing that they would be filled with qeustions that she didn't want to answer, she just sent the owl back with the letter it came with. None of them knew what had happened to her. Only Mary knew that her mom had gotten sick. But Lily had stopped writing when her mom died.  
  
That wasn't the only problem. Charlie had always been nice to Lily. Treated her like he did Petunia. Lily really liked him. But after her mom died, the nice disposition of Charlie must have died with her. He hated Lily. She didn't know why. She never said anything bad to him. And that just broke her heart even more. She had now had had two fathers in her life, and both of them left her feeling empty. She slipped into a state of depression. She barely ate anything. She kept her head bowed low when Charlie would yell at her. He had hitten her every time that she spoke up to him, trying to defend herself when he told her that she killed her mother. That Lily could have saved her. And that he dying words were 'Why couldn't you have helped me Lily? I loved you.' "Loved you." Charlie would say. "She didn't love you when she died because you didn't try to save her. You are so cold." he had tols her. Lily didn't know if this was true. Were those her dying words? Did her mother not love her. She had begun to remember every time her mom had ever gotten mad at her. All the times she had interrupted her work, and she had yelled at her. She began to believe that Charlie was right. She did kill her mother. If she had done something for her, than she would still be alive. It was her fault that she was dead. That only added to her depression. Lily never went outside for fear of anyone seeing her bruises. And she had a lot. Every other day she would earn a new one. When she would look at Petunia or Charlie in a 'bad' way, she would be hit. Her self of steem had hit rock bottom. She was completely ashamed of herself. She could have saved her. That one thought alone haunted her. She had nightmares every night of her mom screaming for help, and telling Lily that she hated her when she stood there crying. Her mom would turn into Charlie who would be beating her. She would wake up screaming 'No!' over and over. She was beaten for that too. Lily wished that she had never been born.  
  
It was with great caution that Lily approached Charlie one day several weeks before school started.  
  
"Charlie?" she had asked, not looking at him for fear of seeing anger in his eyes.  
  
"What?!" he snapped, annoyed that she had interrupted his reading of the newspaper. Lily took a step back from him. She knew better than to try to annoy him when was peeved about something.  
  
"Umm. School starts in a few weeks. And umm. I need to go and get my books." Charlie put down his paper and looked at her, thinking. 'This could be an advantage. Once she's a fully trained witch, I can have her get me anything I want.' he smiled at her cruelly.  
  
"Of course Lily. We will go this afternoon." Lily jerked her head up. Charlie, being nice? Lily couldn't possibly imagine why. And she was too scared to ask. So she went back up to her room and changed into a pair of now baggy jeans and a long sleeved white shirt to hide her bruises. There was a faint one on her cheek but she wouldn't be going close to anyone who wuld be able to notice it. She turned to her mirror and lifted up the back of her shirt. There were the scars. Charlie had had a bad day at work and had yelled at Lily for not cleaning the kitchen and he had taken his belt to her. She now had six pink scars running the length of her back. No matter what she did they still hurt. She didn't know why. She had gotten them shortly after her mom died.Thankfully she didn't have to get new robes this year. She hadn't grown at all. That was partially due to her barely eating. She pushed her shirt back down and pulled her hair into a ponytail. She went back downstairs to see Charlie walking towards the door.  
  
"If were going to go let's get moving!" he snapped at her. Lily quickly complied and hurried out the door and into the back seat of the car. Lily told him the street the Leaky Cauldorn was on and sat silently while he drived. He parked next to the bok store and got out of the car. "Here's money. Go buy your things and get back here. I'll be in the book shop." and he walked into the store and out of sight. Lily walked into the Leaky Cauldron and out the back door into the courtyard. She tapped the brick with her wand and the archway appeared for her. She got slightly nervous as she saw all the people. She didn't want to make physical contact with anyone. Everyone who was nice hurt her. Even her friends. If they cared about her wouldn't they still be sending owls? She tried not to brush up against snyone as she headed down to Gringotts to change her pounds for gold. As she waited at the counter she noticed someone coming out of one of the many doors that led down to the vaults. It was Sirius Black. She remembered how he had punched her shoulder one day. Did he really mean to hurt her. She jerked her eyes away and hoped to god that he didn't see her. Wherever Sirius was, James and Remus wouldn't be too far behind. She quickly took the money the goblin gave her and pushed it all into a navy blue pouch she pelled out form one of her pockets. She looked around to make sure that she had a clar way to the door. She didn't. Now along with Sirius was James Potter and Remus Lupin. She bit ehr lip trying to figure out how to get past them without being seen. She decided that she would just walk as far away as she could and not make eye contact. If they called her name, she just wouldn't respond. That was the only thing she could hope for.  
  
She walked as fast as she could towards the doors and as far away form the trio as she could, which wasn't very far. She bit her lip when she saw James begin to turn around when she was a few feet away from the door. She caught her breath. "Lily!" he called, making Remus and Sirius turn around and notice her. She broke into a run and made it outside where she went into the first shop she came to. Flourish and Blotts. She hid behind a bookshelf where she could still see out the window of the shop. She saw James first, jogging through the crowds, looking into the store windows and the crowded street. Moments later Sirius and Remus were beside him, also looking around. She saw them talking with their backs turned to her. Maybe they would just leave. They each walk off in a different direction, into different shops. Luckily, none of them came into the book store so she was safe. She guessed that they were looking for her, so she kept glancing over her shoulder making sure they didn't see her. She pulled her booklist out of her pocket and grabbed a copy of each one, then payed for them, and cautiosly walked out of the store. She looked all ways before walking onto the crowded street. She went to the apothacary next. She stopped and looked inside. She didn't see anyone. She walked in and gave her order to the man behind the counter. She turned and stared out the window, watching to make sure that none of the boys saw her. Hopefully they had given up. She heard someone move to the shelf behind her and she turned around. No one was there, but she could feel someone watching her. She began biting her nails, something she never would have normally done, she had believed in taking care of her nails. That was before she got real nervous about everything. She stared off into space, thinking. And she paid dearly for her lack of awareness. Her head snapped up as she heard someone entering the shop. And to her absolute horror, it was James, Remus, and Sirius. All three, standing there staring at her.  
  
Her eyes got huge as they walked towards her. She pulled out her wand. "Stop!" she squeked, her voice full of absolute fear. The complied, and looked at her as if bats were flying out from her ears.  
  
"Lily, are you alright?" Remus asked, taking a cautious step forward. Lily trembled as the rest of them began walking towards her again.  
  
"I'm fine. Now go and leave me alone." she said, not looking any of them in the eye. James quickly walked forward and put his hand on her arm.  
  
"Lily! What's wrong?! Why are you acting this way?" his voice sounded concerned and annoyed. Lily jerked away from him and took the ingredients from the shopkeeper and pushed the money into his hands. She skirted as far around them as she could and started edging towards the door. Sirius got there first.  
  
"Lily" he said her name in the voice that Charlie used when he was beginning to get angry. "Look at me." Lily looked up. She could see them all looking at her, and knew exactly what they would see. Her pale skin nearly five times paler. Her cheek bones that were becoming more and more pronounced. How short she was compared to them. They had at least grown four inches. She was nearly a head shorter than all of them. She could see them looking at her thinning body. She looked into Sirius' eyes and saw the anger there. He reached for her and she jumped back. "Lily. What are you doing to yourself?"  
  
"Nothing. Now let me by." Lily whispered. She couldn't help but feel intimidated by them. James came and stood next to Sirius.  
  
"Why haven't you written? We have been worried! All the owls we sent you just came back!! Do you have any idea what we thought happened to you?!" he raised his voice. He looked down at Lily at was completely shocked to see that she was crying. "Lily, I'm sorry. We were worried. And when we saw-"  
  
Lily cut him off. "Please let me by." she gasped between sobs. They complied and she ran from the shop, dodging people all the way back to Charlie's car, completely oblivious to the conversation the boys had after she left.  
  
(James, Remus, and Sirius' conversation.)  
  
"What happened to her?" Sirius asked completely shocked at the way Lily looked and acted. Remus and James had similar looks on their faces. "Did you see her clothes? They were too big for her. But I remember her wearing them on one weekend. The fit then. The weight she must have lost." Sirius was completely dumbstruck. Lily had always worn muggle clothes on the weekends. James shook his head.  
  
"She cried Sirius. I've never seen her cry. When she fell of her broom at the first flying lesson and broke her wrist she didn't cry. She cried. I mean, she shrunk. she's gotten so small." James' face became impassive.  
  
"She hasn't shrunk. We've gotten taller, but she's lost a lot of weight. God, did you see the way she was looking at us? Why was she looking at us like that?" Remus was confused. In one summer, Lily had changed from a happy, exuberent, confident girl, into a complete mess. "When we get back to your house James, we have to owl Mary. If she sees Lily on the train, looking like she does, then she's going to freak out." the boys agreed and walked out to buy the rest of their school things.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
The rest of Lily's summer passed by remarkably slow. Charlie yelled at her nearly everyday. But he was concious of the school year coming up, so he refrained from hitting her on her face. Lily's nightmares continued to get worse. Once at Hogwarts she was going to ask Madame Pomfrey for something that would help her sleep. She seemed to be getting none of that lately. She had dark circles under her eyes and had lost another couple of pounds. She was tired all the time, but everytime she drifted off to sleep, the dreams would plague her. She had read all of her books already.  
  
Finally it was the day to return to Hogwarts. When Lily was about to get out of the car, Charlie grabbed her wrist and held it remarkably tight. "If you tell anyone what happened this summer, you won't know what happened to you. And." he began to whisper. "I'll tell them that you killed your mother." Lily paled and she had tears on her cheeks. Charlie let go and told her to get out of the car. Lily obliged and he sped away. She was there early so she could get on the train without people touching her.  
  
She pulled her trunk through the barrier and looked around. There were several people there already, and more were trickling in, so Lily used what little strength she had and hauled it up onto the train and into an empty compartment. She sat by the window, leaning her head against the cool glass, and drifted off to sleep. And this time, she didn't dream.  
  
**************************************************************************  
  
James, Sirius and Remus waited by the train for Mary. They had had a blast this summer, except for the fact that Lily wasn't there or answering any of their owls.  
  
"Hey! Musketeers!!!" Last year Lily and Mary had started calling them the Musketeers, they had no idea what a musketeer was, but they went along with it. They had written Mary about seeing Lily and how she had acted. Mary wrote back saying she didn't believe a word of it. That Lily would never act that way towards any of her friends. They all chatted for a minute before pulling their trunks onto the train and began looking for a compartment.  
  
The third one they came to was empty so they sat their trunks down. James, scanning the compartment, found that they were not alone. There, leaning against the window, was a very asleep Lily. He shushed the others and the turned around and saw her there, wear and extremely baggy pair of jeans and a long sleeved black shirt. Mary gasped. "Look at her." she whispered, her eyes bginninig to tear as she looked at what had become of Lily. She had lost soo much weight. She had dark circles under her eyes, and looked completely exhausted. "Look!" she nearly shreiked. Lily didn't even move.  
  
"The boys crowded around her. "What?" they asked anxiously. Mary pointed to her hand.  
  
"She's bitten her nails!" Mary looked positivly miserable. Tears had begun to come down her face in torrents. The boys looked confused. "She would never let her nails get like that! She always took such good care of them. She would never bite her nails. What is she doing to herself?!" Mary broke down completely. She turned to the nearest person, who happened to be Sirius, and began to sob into his shoulder. Sirius was very good at comforting people. He put his arms around Mary and told her that Lily would be fine and that everything was okay.  
  
Eventually Mary stopped crying and bombarded the boys with questions. How did she act? What exactly did she say? while looking at her best friend. They talked in hushed voices so they wouldnt wake up Lily. It looked like she hadn't slept in weeks. Her cheek bones showed way to much. You could see the outline of her shoulder bones through her loose shirt.  
  
Nearly three hours later while the foursome talked about what they were going to do about Lily, the small redhead began to wake up. The four got immediately quiet and watched her as she opened her eyes.  
  
Lily felt as if she had slept forever. That was the longest sleep she had in nearly two weeks. Ever since she saw the boys in Diagon Alley and they had yelled at her. She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. That was another thing. She was always cold. Oh well. She blinked her eyes, trying to get them to adjust to the bright light. And when they did, she recieved a shock. Staring at her were James, Remus, Sirius, and Mary. Lily scooted farther away from them as they looked at her.  
  
"Hey Lily." Mary said. Lily just looked at her. Her best friend. Mary was her best friend. She wouldn't do all the things boys did. Like hitting girls. Mary was okay. Lily smiled the first smile she had in a month and a half.  
  
"Hey Mary." Mary smiled back. The boys stared at her.  
  
"Hi Lily" Sirius said. He looked at her. Lily didn't look him in the eyes. She simply said 'Hello' in a very small voice. Mary asked Lily how her summer went and Lily turned whiter than she already was.  
  
"It was fine" she managed to say, while not looking at any of them. The train ride continued like this. Nobody saying much. When the train stopped Mary and the boys stood up, but Lily remaind sitting.  
  
"Lily, aren't you coming?" Mary asked. Lily shook her head.  
  
"I'm going to wait until most people are off. That way it'll be easier to find a carriage." Lily still didn't look at any of the boys. After a few moments they stepped out into the hall and made for the exit. They all got into a carriage together. Lily sat on the side, with Mary sitting next to her. Lily had barely touched another human for a week. She was the first one out when the carriages pulled up in front of the school. She ran inside before anyone else, and sat down at the end of the Gryffindor table. Mary, James, Sirius, and Remus walked in a few minutes later looking completely bewildered. They all sat down across or to the one side of her. Lily put her head down on the table and waited for the sorting to start. She didn't have to wait long.  
  
After the sorting was finished and each house got their fair share of first years, the feast appeared. Lily put a few things on her plate and took a couple of bites, Charlie's words ringing in her ears, 'You killed her' she always thought of what Charlie said to her when she thought. She would try to think of happy things, but that voice was always there telling her that. She sighed and put her head down on the table again, not feeling hungry at all. It was only on a rare occasion that she did. She flinched and jerked her head up when she felt someones hand on her back. Mary was looking at her, face full of concern.  
  
"Are you okay Lily? Why don't you eat?" Mary asked. Lily noticed that the guys had stopped eating and were waiting for her to talk.  
  
"I'm fine Mary. I'm just really tired. I didn't get much sleep last night." Lily sghed as the rest looked disbelievingly at her.  
  
"You slept nearly the entire way here Lily! Why are you so tired?"  
  
"I just am. I think I'm going to go up to bed. See you in the morning." and with that she got p from the table and walked out of the Great Hall, not noticing Dumbledore watching her. He sighed and leaned over to talk to Minerva.  
  
"Minerva, do you see Lily?" Minerva looked towards the doors of the Great Hall and gasped as she saw Lily walking out.  
  
"Albus! What happened to her?! Do you see how small she is?" Minerva was shocked and concerned for one of her favorite pupils.Dumbledore sighed and looked towards the doors of the Great Hall.  
  
"Her mother died over the summer from an unknown illness. It is easy to tell that she is depressed. Her mother was the only family she had left. She now lives with her step father and step sister. I need to talk to her. Tomorrow morning I'll have a meeting with Ms. Evans."  
  
"oOh Albus. The poor child. She's in a depression? It looked as if she stopped eating. The poor child. If she doesn't eat she's going to start collapsing! Do you think talking to her will help?" Dumbledore sighed heavily.  
  
"I don't know Minerva. I hope so. I sincerely hope so."  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Lily sat on her bed in her dormitory that night, thinking. Why had she walked out like that?To tell herself the truth she didn't really know. She sat hugging her teddy bear Desmond and lay down on her bed and began to cry. Why couldn't she have saved her mom? If she did nothing would be like it os now. One hundred percent miserable. After nearly half an hour of crying and clinging onto Desmond, Lily fell asleep to troubled dreams.  
  
***  
  
James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter(who was completely clueless in the whole situation and I absolutely hate writing about him, so sorry, there's not much of him) were waiting down in the now empty Gryffindor commmon room for Mary. She had gone up to check on Lily when they arrived and she still hadn't come back down yet. Everyone else went straight to bed, being as tired as they all were. The boys were jolted out of their thoughts as Mary reappeared at teh bottom of the girls' staircase.  
  
"I think that you all should see this." Mary said, and began walking back up the stairs. James, Remus, and Sirius got up to follow but Peter stayed behind saying that they weren't allowed up there. They shrugged and continued heading up to the 2nd year girls' dorm. They tiptoed inside so as to not wake the other girls who were already asleep. Mary was standing beside Lily's bed, holding the curtains back, allowing them to see in. It was something that the three of them would never be able to forget.  
  
Lily lay on her bed, clutching an old, large brown teddy bear, and was apparently asleep. She must have been having nightmares, because she was crying in her sleep, and kept on mouthing words that none of them would ever be able to hear, her faced clenched in terror. Mary motioned for them to follow her downstairs, which they did. Once again safe in the common room, Mary began to talk. (Peter was no longer there)  
  
"I'm worried about her." Mary said, beginning to cry.  
  
"Mary, we all are. I just want to know what happened to her. What is she doing to herself?" James sighed. "Tomorrow morning we are going to go and see Dumbledore. He'll know what to do." the rest agreed and went up to bed.  
  
Several hours later at nearly four in the morning Mary was awoken by screaming. She jumped out of bed and ran over to Lily's.  
  
"I didn't mean to!! No! Leave me alone!!" Lily was writhing on her bed, tears coming out of her eyes that were closed.  
  
"Lily! Lily wake up!" Mary shook her, desperate to get her awake and stop screaming. Surely the whole tower was awake by now. Lily's eyes shot open. She saw Mary and her eyes filled with tears. "Lily! Are you okay?!" Lily nodded her assent and wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. Mary watched silently as Lily grabbed the quilt she brought from home and made her way down to the common room. Mary made no move to stop her.  
  
~*~  
  
Lily silently walked into the common room and sat down. She pulled her legs up to her chest and sighed. She knew that Mary and the boys would never stop questioning her. She was scared that they would find out what she did. She shivered and pulled the quilt tighter around her body. She didn't want to live anymore. What was the point in life? All there was was pain.  
  
Lily sat back in her chair and watched the embers in the fire slowly die. After sitting in her chair for a good hour and a half, she got up and walked back up to her dorm where she took a quick shower and pulled on her nearly too big robes, and pulled her hair back into a ponytail.  
  
She quickly grabbed her books and put them in her bag and walked out of Gryffindor tower. She silently walked down the halls, and out the front doors of Hogwarts.  
  
Lily breathed in the fresh air. She felt cold, but that didn't matter. She felt better when she was outside in the cool morning air. She walked over to the lake and sat down, watching the breeze make ripples on the inky black surface of the water. It was then that she felt herself missing her mom more than ever. 'And to think, I could have done something. She could be here with me now.' Lily sighed. She looked down at her watched and gasped. There was only fifteen minutes till class and she wanted to get there early so that she wouldn't have to sit next to anyone. She hadn't even gotten her schedule. She picked up her bag and ran into the Great Hall.  
  
She slowed herself and approached the Gryffindor table. Sitting mid-way down the table were Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, and Mary. She sighed and walked over to them. When they looked up they smiled.  
  
"Hey Lily" Remus said, "here, we'll move down so you have enough room to sit and eat some breakfast." They all began to get up and move down one seat but Lily quickly stopped them.  
  
"No! That's okay. I'm not hungry. Have we gotten our schedule yet?" James and the gang stopped their movements and sat back down at the table.  
  
"Yeah, you weren't here yet so I grabbed it for you." Mary said, handing Lily her schedule.  
  
"Thanks." Lily said and was about to walk off when Professor Dumbledore came up behind her.  
  
"Ah, Ms. Evans. Just the person I needed to see. If you would kindly accompany me to my office, I would like to have a talk with you." He put his hand on Lily's shoulder and she flinched but didn't say anything. The fear was evident on her face. Dumbledore seeing the gangs troubled looks said, "Lily will be joing you in class in a while. Now, if you would excuse us" and he led Lily out of the hall and into his office where he told her to take a seat as did her behind his desk.  
  
"Lily, I have been notified of some things that happened over the summer" Lily got a look of panic on her face and shrank farther back into her chair. "I wan't you to know that you have my deepest condolences. I am sorry that you lost her. It is very difficult losing a loved one." he paused, and when she didn't say anything continued. "Lily, grief passes. Maybe not quickly, but in time. I know the pain that you feel now. But, eventually that pain will fade away and you'll be left with the gratefulness of her living as long as she did." At this Lily looked up. The pain would go away? She nearly laughed out loud. The pain only grew steadily worse. Without even thinking she got up out of the chair she had been sitting in and walked out of his office, leaving behind a very concerned Dumbledore.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Lily sighed as she walked into her dorm later that night. She had skipped lunch and dinner and had taken refuge int he library. She didn't even bother putting pajamas on. She was too tired. She fell asleep almost instantly.  
  
Several hour later, Lily woke breathing heavily. The same dream. That nightmare that always came back to haunt her. She sighed and began to walk downstairs. She walked out the portrait hole and stopped. Where was she going? She had no reason to be out in the middle of the night. Sighing, she walked back in, the fat lady grumbling behind her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Nearly two weeks later Lily found herself walking down the hall with Mary and the boys. She had been unable to get rid of them or find an excuse, so she walked by Mary, trying to keep as far away from James, Sirius, and Remus as possible. They were going on about the quidditch match that was the next day. James had gotten onto the team as a chaser. The farther she walked the dizzier she began to feel. She stopped and leaned against the wall, putting her hand to her forehead. She could feel someone next to her but their voice was fuzzy. She gasped as a pain raked over her body. She fell to the floor, unconscious.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Mary walked next to Lily, James, Remus, and Sirius as they made thier way to the Great Hall. They were talking about the upcoming quidditch match, which would be James' first, and disussing the opposing teams' strong points. Mary and the boys kept throwing glances over at Lily. She had gotten steadily worse. Her cheekbones were completely visible. Altogether she may have weighed 80 pounds. They had all noticed that she barely ate, and were growing more and more concerned about her behavior. She always made up excuses to get away from them. She had changed so much. Mary sighed and looked over at her friend, only to find she wasn't there. She nudged the guys and they too notived Lily wasn't next to them anymore. They turned around and saw Lily leaning on the wall a hand to her head. Mary rushed over to her.  
  
"Lily! Lily are you okay?!" Lily gasped once and fell to the floor. Mary stared at her in shock. She bent down next to her and placed her hand on Lily's chest. It was rising and falling rapidly. "James! Remus! Sirius! Help! We have to get her to the hospital wing!" they quickly picked her up and started rushing towards the hospital wing. Once there, they banged furiously on the door until Madam Pomfrey opened the door. When she saw Lily she nearly screamed.  
  
"What happened to this poor child?!" She floated Lily over onto one of the beds and felt her head. "My god! She'd burnig with fever!" just then there was a strangled cry from Lily and...nothing. Her chest stopped rising and falling. "Go get The other professors! Quickly!" The kids ran to seek out the other professors while Madam Pomfrey worked on Lily. "Vitasio!!" Lily's body jerked. Nothing. On the third try Lily started breathing again, but in short gasps, unable to get enough air. That was when Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, Sprout, and Sinistra burst into the wing with James, Remus, Sirius and Mary following.  
  
"Whats happening?" Dumbledore asked as he took everything in.  
  
"The girl is unable to breath. Fluid is filling her lungs. There aren't enough nutrients in her body to support life. She's dying." Gasps filled the room. Mary started to cry. The boys had uncomprehendable looks on their faces. "We can remove the fluid from her lungs, and put her on some muggle machines." Dumbledore nodded and the teachers gathered around Lily, sheilding what had become of her from view. After nearly half an hour, they stepped back.  
  
All around Lily there were machines that were beeping. She had I.V.'s in her arms and tubes going into her nose to help her breath. She was still in her howgarts robe. Madame Pomfrey waved her wand and Lily was now clothed in a pair of dark blue pajamas. Mary was still crying and the boys' eyes were red. "Is she okay?" Mary asked, looking towards Professor Dumbledore. He sighed.  
  
"Lily is in a state that muggles would call a coma. Where one is alive but cannot wake up."  
  
"Will she get better?" James asked quietly.  
  
"We can't tell yet. She starved herself to her breaking point. All we can do is hope right now. But I suggest that you get back to your next class. And do not mention this to your other classmates. Lily is going to have a hard enough time recuperating when she wakes up, and an even worse time if people are jeering behind her back. So, get along to your next class. Try not to worry right now. I'm sure she'll pull through." The gang nodded and walked out of the hospital wing. Dumbledore sighed deeply and turned back to Lily.  
  
"Lily, we're praying for you." and with that he walked out of the room.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Lily's Dream sequance-bear with me people)  
  
Everything was dark, Lily trired to open her eyes but they felt like they were glued tight. She couldn't remember anything. Where was she? How did she get here? There were so many questions and no answers. Why was she in this black void?  
  
Then she noticed that there was a little speck of light coming from somewhere to her right. Walking towards it, she noticed it to be a room. Not just any room, her mother's room. Lily tried to turn and run but her feet were held to the floor by an invisible source. She could do nothing but watch.  
  
There was her mother, lying on her death bed. She could hear her last words.  
  
"Take care of Lily Charlie. She meant the world to me." she exhaled. Her chest never rose after that. Lily cried, tears pouring down her face. Why did these dreams plague her?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mary, Remus, Sirius, and James sat by Lily's bedside and watched her thin form. Then out of nowhere, she started crying, sobs shaking her body. Sirius jumped up and ran for Madam Pomfrey. She came back in and looked down at the tiny girl.  
  
"The poor dear. Look at her, she has reduced herself to a mere 60 pounds. Until she wakes up we can't give her any real food." Madam Pomfrey mumbled quietly to herself as she checked all the machines around Lily. Satisfied, she turned and headed back into her office.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Really sorry folks for trying to hurry all this up, but I really want to skip ahead a few years. Sorry if you get mad at me for doing so. Love you!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Professor Albus Dumbledore sat by Lily's bedside watching her. It had been nearly three weeks since she collapsed and she still hadn't woken up. He was beginning to get worried. Madam Pomfrey had told him that Lily had been having nightmares and would screm in her sleep, but they could do nothing for her. He was about to get up to leave when he heard her gasp.  
  
He turned to her and saw that her eyes were slightly open. He smiled down at her.  
  
"Do you know what your name is?" he asked Lily softly. lily nodded slowly.  
  
"Lily. Lily Evans." Lily had extreme difficulty getting the words out. Dumbledore smiled. Just then madam pomfrey came out of her office to find Lily awake.  
  
"My goodness! You need some water! And I'll get food up here right away." she came back a moment later with a large glass of cool water. "Here you go dear" Lily tried to raise her arms to take the glass but they wouldn't worked. They felt as heavy as paving stones. "Oh dear. Here." and she held the glass to Lily's lips while she took small sips. She pulled her head away when the glass was half empty. Madam Pomfrey looked down at her patient. She sighed and went to go and check on her food. That left lily and professor Dumbledore alone. Professor Dumbledore sighed.  
  
"Lily, do you remember what happened?" Lily just nodded her head and finally turned to look at him.  
  
"I was walking down the corridor and I got really tired, and I fell asleep." Lily said ever so softly. "Am I in trouble?" She shifted her eyes so that they were looking into his pair of bright blue ones.  
  
"Lily, you nearly died. When Mr.'s Potter, Black, Lupin, and Ms. Iovry and yourself were walking down the hall, you passed out and couldn't breath. They brought you here to the hospital wing where Madam Pomfrey, myself, and the other professor had to preform a complex procedure that would allow us to drain the fluid from your lungs. We had to set you up on muggle machines, and you have been in a coma for nearly three weeks. Your friends are very worried." Lily looked down at her hands. "Ms. Evans, are you aware of what you have done?" Lily's eyes shot up to his, wide with fear. Did he know? Lily shook her head. He sighed. "Ms. Evans, you have stopped nourishing yourself. You never eat, and since Madam Pomfrey had seen you last year and now, she estimates that you have lost nearly forty pounds. We have all been keeping an eye on you, but we certainly thought that you were eating. We were wrong. Ms. Evans. You nearly died." he looked over to see Lilyy crying. Not loudly, sobs that were barely noticable, as if she had grown accoustumed to crying quietly. "Lily, I have to have some time to think about what we are to do with you, and in the meantime, you are to eat and sleep. You need to gather up your strength. And please lily, try talking to James, Remus, and Sirius. It could do you a world of good." And he left.  
  
Lily sighed, thankfult that he had left, she felt like he could see right through her. After a few moments, Madam Pomfrey came back in with a tray of food. She sat it down in front of her and told her to eat, then walked back into her office. Lily tried to pick up her fork, but her arm was too tired. She lay back on the pillows and fell asleep.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
James, Remus, and Sirius were sitting in Transfiguration which they had with the Ravenclaws, teasing Mary about her looking over at Troy Bones.  
  
"I told you! I do NOT like him!!" mary nearly screamed at them. Noticing her rage, they clamed themselves down, knowing how Mary could become when she was pushed too far.  
  
"Ms. Ivory! please contain yourself!" Professor McGonagall nearly scremed at her. Mary was interrupted from her glaring session by professor Dumbledore entering the room.  
  
"Professor, may I borrow Black, Lupin, Potter and Ivory? I have something i wish to discuss with them." Mcgonagall let them go, eager to get them out of her hair. The followed the headmaster silently up to his office.  
  
Once they were all sittingin chairs in his office, mary coutldn't contain herself.  
  
"Professor is Lily okay?" she asked anxiously. "Did something happen?" Dumbledore didn't respond to her question directly.  
  
"Yes, Ms. Ivory. Something has happened. Lily woke up." he held up his hand as the four kids in front of him were about to jump out of their chairs. "Over the summer and since she has been here she has lost nearly 40 pounds. This is a critical situation. i could not get her to tell me why she is doing this to herself. I have my suspicions. Did you have any idea that her mother died over the summer?"  
  
All four of their mouths dropped open.  
  
"Why in gods name didn't she tell us?!" Sirius nearly screamed. Dumbledore sighed.  
  
"As you can tell, she has been in a state of deep depression. She had completely stopped eating. I can only find one solution to make sure that she doesn't collapse again. She is going to be put on a strict diet. We will make sure that she eats everything. We will give her no other choice. I have reason to believe that other events besides her mothers death have happened over the summer, but I have no proof. I would like you to keep an eye on her. Don't try to push her to tell you things. Try not to raise your voice to her in any way. If she tells you to leave her alone, do, but try not to let her out of your sight. As I said before, she's extremely depressed. Thats all. You may go now." they all got up to leave.  
  
"Professor?" Dumbledore turned his head towards her. "May we see Lily?"  
  
"Let her rest today. You may see her tomorrow. Oh, and James, Remus, Sirius?" they turned to look at him. "That was a rather intresting prank you pulled on the Slytherins the other morning." they beamed at him and began to walk out. "And boys, I'm afraid i have to issue a detention." They beamed at him even more. THey were aiming to break the world record for detentions. As they walked into the hall they began to laugh. The other morning they had put sleeping potions in the Slytherins drinks at breakfast, along with a beautifying potion. It had been hilarious to see Snape with long blonde hair and blush and lipstick snoring loudly into his eggs. They had taken pictures and distributed them around the school.  
  
"Lily's awake!! She's going to be okay!!" Mary shouted. She was crying with happiness.  
  
"Mary, don't get too excited, she's not out of the hole yet. You heard Dumbledore, 60 pounds. Do you have any idea how light that is? A little over half the weight of any of us." this sobered all of them up. Sirius could be...well....serious when he needed or wanted to be. Pondering this they all went up to the Gryffindor Common Room to hang around until their next class.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(seventh year)-Sorry for skipping ahead without saying more. I just feel like its moving so slow and I want it all in one story since I'm most likely to have problems uploading it. I may write another one about the time in between. So, sorry. Continue reading.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Lily Evans walked alone through the halls of Hogwarts after escaping the throng of people leaving the Great Hall heading towards their common rooms. Tonight was Halloween, and she had sat at the Feast with her one and only friend Mary Ivory. They had been best friends ever since their first year when they had sat in a carraige on the Hogwarts Express. There they had been joined by four boys, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. They had all become great friends and had vowed to be friends forever when they had left for summer vacation. That promise had been broken.  
  
That summer Lily's mother Natalie had gotten re-married to a man named Charlie. Then her mother fell sick and died. Charlie had told her that it was all her fault that she had died and that she could have saved her but she didn't. He said that her mother had died cursing her name. Lily had gone into a deep depression and had stopped eating and owling her friends. She barely ever went outside. Charlie had begun abusing her, but he still let her continue school.  
  
Lily had become scared of nearly a members of the opposite sex, and hated large crowds. The thought of human contact made her shudder. She still didn't eat and had lost nearly 50 pounds and had passed out and gone into a coma. Three weeks after that she had woken up and had been on a strict diet of food while she was there. She wasn't allowed to leave her seat until she was done eating the portion assigned to her.  
  
During that year Lily pushed the boys, James, Remus, and Sirius,(you don't consider peter a boy, let alone a human do you?) farther and farther away from her. They continuously tried to talk to her, but she would either shake and tremble if they got too close, or ran away as soon as she saw them coming.  
  
She had grown up quite a lot in the past five years. She was described as beautiful, but thought a snob since she would talk to barely anyone except Mary. Growing older meant five more summers, which meant Charlie, which meant five more times the scars. She was still convinced that she could have done something to save her mother, so she always endured her pain Charlie bestowed upon her. Up to this day no one had found out about it. Lily was ashamed. Ashamed that she could have saved her mother and didn't, ashamed that she was so weak, ashamed of everything down to her red hair.  
  
she barely cried anymore. She figured that she had cried all the tears that were left in her. She still had to stick to eating, because if anyone thought that she was loosing any weight, than she would be put back on the diet. She walked around for a little while longer until she thought most people would be up in bed, and headed back to the common room.  
  
After saying the password to the fat lady 'Fuzzy bunny slippers' she climbed into the portrait. Seeing no one she smiled, relieved. She sat down in one of the chairs in front of the fire and watched the flames lick the logs until she fell asleep.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
James Potter lay awake in bed listening to Sirius' snores and thinking. 'God she is so beautiful. And yet she doesn't even see the way guys look at her. I think I love her'. He rolled over and tried to gather his thoughts.  
  
He had been watching Lily ever since their second year when something had changed her. He didn't know what, but something had. It couldn't have just been her mother's passing because both of his parents had been killed off by Voldemort the year before, and he had gotten over it. Yes, he still missed them terribly, there would always be a void in his heart where they had once been. He thought something else had happened. But what could change a person that much in that short of a time. He had been watching her so closely he didn't even know that he had memorized her entire routine by heart. She didn't know that when she thought that she was all alone, that there was nearly always an extra person walking by her side. He had fallen in love with her. But she was scared of him. Why should she be. He would never do anything to ever hurt her. Why had she pushed him away and remained friends with Mary? He had repeated this question to himself so many times and had come up with so many theories that they all blended together. He moaned as he was beginning to get a headache from his complicated theories and Sirius' loud snoring. He was sure that the angels in heaven had to cover their ears.  
  
He climbed out of bed and made his way down the boys' staircase into the common room where he stopped dead. Curled up in the chair in front of the fire was Lily. He walked towards her and saw that she was having another one of hher nightmares. Mary had told them that Lily would often wake up in the middle of the night screaming that she didn't do it, that it wasn't her fault. He, Remus, and Sirius had even seen her dreaming with tears coming out of her eyes.  
  
James ran back up to the dorm and grabbed his invisibility cloak and covered himself then ran back down the stairs to find that Lily was crying and her arms were thrashing out. He walked over and pulled her into his arms and felt her stiffen as she woke up. Her eyes got wide as she felt invisible arms around her. She tried to pull away, but he kept his arms firmly around her, and wouldn't let her pull away.  
  
"Who...please..let me go" she whispered. James sighed and wriggled out of his invisibility cloak, but still he kept a hold of her. Her eyes got huge as she saw him appear.  
  
"Lily." She grew pale.  
  
"James! What are you doing? Please let me go" still he held on. He was hurt to see that she was scared of him. Didn't she see that he loved her?  
  
"Lily, why do you hate me?" he asked quietly. "I was always your friend. I tried to help you, why did you push me away?" Lily's whole body got tense.  
  
"I don't hate you" she whispered, "and I don't know why."  
  
"God damn it Lily! Why won't you tell me the truth?! I can tell that you're lying! What happened to you Lily? Please...let me help. All I want to do is help you." Lily actually looked ashamed.  
  
"I'm sorry, but...nothing happened. Dumbledore told you that...my mo-" Lily started but james cut her off. He let go of her and stood up.  
  
"Lily, you and I both know that something else had to have happened. A death cannot change a person that much. You only had one death. I had two. Don't you dare say that that was all that happened. I know damn well there is something else. And you've been very good at hiding it for the past five or so years. But trust me on this Lily, I WILL find out what, and don't think that I won't." and with that he disappeared up the boys' staircase.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Lily avoided James like the plague since that night. Every time she saw him walking down the same hallway she ducked into another. But he kept showing up. No matter where she went, it seemed like he was always watching.  
  
She sighed as she stepped into the Head Girl's/Boy's Bathroom. It was even better than the prefects. She gingerly started unbuttoning her robes. They had returned from Christmas holiday the previous week and she had gone home at Charlie's request. She knew if she didn't than it would be worse when she got home for summer holiday. While she was there, Charlie had gotten angry with her when Lily back talked to Petunia when she called her abnormal. She had four bruises on her pack and three more long scabs where Charlie had hit her with his belt. She now had a total of 15 scars or soon to be scars criss-crossed on her back. They still hurt, even after a couple years. She never did hear the silent opening of the portrait door.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
James opened the door to the Head Boy's/Girl's Bathroom and was completely shocked by what he saw. Lily was standing by the bathtub and was beginning to unbutton her robes. He was about to turn and walked out but stopped when he saw her stop pushing them down when they got to her waist. She was facing away from him and was running her hands along the long scars that covered her back. He heard her mumbling 'one...two...three' to herself. Obviously she was counting them. She had three scabs that would soon turn into scars and several large, ugly bruises. Who had done this to her? To her beautiful body? What monster would marr her perfect skin? When she started pulling her robes down again, James, as quietly as possible, shut the portrait door and nearly ran to Professor Dumbledore's office.  
  
He muttered 'Licorice' to the gargoyle and walked up the stone steps and into Dumbledore's office. The old man himself was sitting there clad in a purple robe.  
  
"James, is there something I can help you with?" James took a seat in front of him.  
  
"Yes sir, there is. I want to talk about Lily." Dumbledore nodded.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Well, I was walking into the Head Students' bathroom, but as soon as I opened the portrait I saw Lily in there unbuttoning her robes." he paused for a moment and blushed. "She was facing away from me so she didn't know I was there. I was about to leave when she pushed her robes down a little and held them at her waist. On-" at this point her choked up.  
  
"Please continue James."  
  
"On her back...there were scars, there were so many. There were three scabs that looked just like the rest. And bruises. I think that her step-father is abusing her sir. I didn't think, i just came here." Dumbledore's face had gone hard.  
  
"Are you sure of what you saw james? Are you positive?" James nodded his head.  
  
"Yes sir, i am. Well then, lets call Ms. Evans up here then. Frauster?" all of a sudden a little house elf appeared on the table. "Will you bring us the Head Girl, Lily Evans? Thank you Frauster." And the house elf disappeared with a small pop.  
  
"What do you think Professor?" Dumbledore's eyes grew very cold.  
  
"I have always suspected something else, verbal abuse maybe, but nothing as bad as this. Whoever did this has no heart. We will find out soon enough. Ahh...here's Ms. Evans now. Come in Lily. Have a seat. THere are a few things I would like to discuss with you." Lily sat down in the cair beside james with a semi-scared look on her face. "LIly, it has come to my attention that something has happened to you. Do you know what I'm talking about?"  
  
"No." lily said, her eyes darting around the room.  
  
"Well, Lily, I shall tell you. It has come to my attention that you have been abused over break." Lily paled. "Do you confirm this?" Lily stood up.  
  
"No. Nothing has happened to me. I have some homework to finish and-"  
  
"Lily you will sit down and listen to me." Dumbledore interrupted. She sat down. "If nothing has, then would you mind taking a truth potion for us?" Lily shook her head no. "Why not?" Lily remained silent. "Lily, you probably feel ashamed don't you?" her eyes grew wet and she began to sob. "Lily, you haven't done anything wrong. But you should have told someone so they could have helped you."  
  
"I...didn't....want....anyone else..to...hurt me...I..was..soo...scared." Lily sobbed. James walked over to her chair and pulled her up into his arms and hugged her gently. Lily stiffened but didn't pull away.  
  
"Lily, there's nothing you need to be scared of. I can remove your scars if you like. Would you like that?" Lily was silent in James' arms. She then nodded. "If you would expose your back to us, it would be most helpful. But first I would like to take a picture. For the reason that you'll not be going back to your setp-father's." Lily nodded and complied. James still held her while Dumbledore took the picture. "Lily, this will hurt. Is that okay?" Lily nodded.  
  
Dumbledore's wand touched her back and he began muttering an incantation. Lily started crying. It felt like the skin on her back was being ripped off. She clung to james tightly and he just kept on gently holding her and smoothing her hair down and whispering comforts in her ear. After 30 minutes of this agony it was gone. james gently helped her to the chair. She could barely walk.  
  
"Lily, are you okay?" James asked, looking at her violently shaking body. She swallowed hard and nodded.  
  
"I'm okay." she said in a very soft, shaky voice.  
  
"Lily, James, its late. I trust you will make it up to Gryffindor tower alright?" they nodded. "Well then, Lily, you will have the day off tomorrow. Scar removing takes away a lot of your strength, and I hope you use it well. James, thank you. Until tomorrow." Lily and James walked out of the office and back towards the tower. Halfway there Lily stopped and leaned against the wall. James walked over to her a placed a hand on her back.  
  
"Lily are you alright?" Lily nodded and started walking by James again. After a few steps she slowed down again and crouched down on the floor.  
  
"I'm okay, I just need to rest for awhile. I'll be fine. Go ahead and go to the common room. I'll be there soon." James crouched down beside her.  
  
"Come on Lily, I'll help you get back to the tower." He helped Lily to her feet, noticing that she flinched when he put his arm around her waist to support her. He noticed how small her waist was, even though Dumbledore made sure that she ate enough everyday, she was still really thin. Lily put her weight on James and they began walking towards the tower.  
  
"James?" Lily said softly.  
  
"Yes Lily?"  
  
"Thank you. And, I'm sorry that I pushed you, Remus, and Sirius away. I'm so sorry." Lily began to cry. James turned her to face him.  
  
"Lily, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I will make sure that he never hurts you again." Lily began to cry harder. James pulled her into his arms as her tears flowed like tiny rivers down her cheeks. 'They still don't know what I've done' Lily thought to herself. "Come on Lily, were almost there."  
  
At the common room they parted ways. Lily walked slowly over to an armchair in front of the fire and heavily sat down. Had she really been wrong? Did she not deserve to be hit because of what she did to her mother? She honestly couldn't say. She knew now that James would never hurt her. She didn't think that anyone else would, but you could never be sure. She would just have to wait and find out. With that she fell asleep.  
  
(Dream Sequance-Lily's)  
  
She was sitting in her room, reading her transfiguration book when her door burst open and Charlie stomped into the room. "You little brat!!" he screamed, "Why have you not done your chores?!" Lily in the dream looked up fearfully.  
  
"But..Charlie...I did."  
  
"No you didn't!! You should be thankful that I kept you after what you did to your mother you little murderer!!" that struck Lily hard.  
  
"Leave me alone!!" Charlie looked angry at being talked back to.  
  
"How dare you! You're going to get whats coming to you, you little murderer!!" He pulled off his belt and grabbed LIly and pushed her down onto her bed. He started hitting her back as hard as he could, all in the same spot, over and over. Lily was screaming. The white hot pain burned her.  
  
"Lily!!" someones voice, someone was here to take her away from all the pain.  
  
"Lily!!!" Lily sat straight up. No longer was she being hit by Charlie in her room, she was in fact sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room. And someone was staring at her with big brown eyes. Lily struggled to get away. "Lily! Lily calm down its only me! James!" James held her tighter as she continued to struggle. Over several minutes she had stopped and was crying. "Lily, do you want to talk about it?" Lily shook her head that was buried in his shoulder. "It will make you feel better if you do." Lily looked up at him with her big green eyes. 'She's so beautiful' came to James' mind. He wanted to hold her forever and ever, to be with her always, for her to be his. But he knew that he couldn't ask for that yet. Lily was only beginning to recover. 'She has been through so much'.  
  
"Would it? Would you leave if you knew what I did?" more tears came pouring down her cheeks. James gently wiped them away.  
  
"Lily, I would never leave you. Wherever you go, there I am. Now tell me whats wrong."  
  
"I...in the summer after first year, my mother got sick. The doctors didn't know what it was. Well, she died." Lily's voice cracked here. James pulled her a little close to him to give her some comfort. "It was all my fault! I could have done something! Anything! She would still be alive if it weren't for me! On her death bed she cursed my name! I didn't and don't deserve to live! I killed her! She hated me!!" James' eyes were wide. She pulled out of his arms and ran up to her dormitory.  
  
James didn't waste any time and ran after her. He found Lily lying face down on her bed crying her eyes out. His heart yearned to make her broken heart mend. "Lily?"  
  
"Go away James, you don't understand."  
  
"I understand that you blame yourself for something that you didn't do. I understand that I think that you were brainwashed to believe it. And I understand that you would never hurt somebody you loved. I understand that you have a pure heart surrounded by grief. And I understand that I want to help you make that grief go away." he sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms.  
  
"But I have no heart. I haven't loved anyone since she died. Does that mean that I have no heart at all? Am I made of ice?" James sighed.  
  
"Lily, sometimes there's a cold that grabs your heart, and you can't shake it off, and sometimes...it never goes away. Lily, the pain that death brings you will be in your heart forever because you loved her, and you will never stop missing her. But, if you accept that you didn't do anything to her, and remember her, the pain will become less. You need people to support you Lily, and I'm always right here." Lily's eyes filled with tears. She put her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear 'thank you' over and over again.  
  
James let go of Lily and made her lay down on her bed. "Get some sleep Lily." He made to walk out the door when he heard her soft voice behind him.  
  
"Will you stay here for awhile? Please?" James looked into her beautiful green eyes and nodded his assent and walked back towards her. She scooted over to one side of her bed to allow him to lay next to her. He climbed in beside her. She scooted closer to him and closed her eyes. "Thank you" He smiled down at her. He loved her so much. Her dark red, nearly auburn hair was all over, and make her skin look like porclein. He shut his eyes.  
  
"Your welcome, Lily." and they were both asleep.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mary yawned and stretched as she got out of her bed. She quickly took a shower and pulled on some muggle clothing as it was a weekend. "Lily? Wanna go to Hogsmeade?" after hearing no response she walked over to Lily's bed and yanked open the curtains. What she saw was what she least expected. Lily? In bed with, of all people, James? And the most shocking part of all, was that they both had soft smiles on their faces, and their limbs were entangled with the others so it was nearly impossible to tell which one belonged to who.  
  
Mary gasped and ran down the stairs and up to the 7th years boy's dorm. As she walked in she could hear Sirius' loud and obnoxious snoring. "Get up!!" she screeched at him. Sirius' head flew up off the pillow and he grabbed Mary, who was leaning over him, and pulled her down on top of him and began to kiss her. Mary tried to get away but soon fell into the kiss. All of a sudden Sirius stopped and looked up at her. "Well, that was rather nice wasn't it?" Mary's eyes were wide. Then she remembered.  
  
"Sirius! Get your lazy ass up and dressed! You have to see this! I'll wake up Remus!" she bounded off to wake up Remus. As soon as the two boys were decently dressed, Mary dragged them down to the common room and up to her dorm, iqnoring their questions of what this was all about. When they got to the door, she motioned them to be quiet. She tiptoed in, followed by Sirius and Remus. She led them over to Lily's bed and pulled back the curtains. They gasped at what they saw.  
  
Lily, lying in bed with James, together, curled up. They looked like a married couple. Mary was positively beaming. She motioned for the boys to follow her.  
  
Once in the common room Mary practically screamed. "Did you see them?! Oh my god! Lily! and James! This is so perfect!" Remus and Sirius watched her as she danced in triumph.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
James opened his eyes to extremely bright light. It was morning. He looked over at the sleeping Lily next to him, and found himself in shock. She had her head on his chest, her arm over his stomach, and their legs were intertwined. He had one hand holding hers that was on his stomach and the other was around her waist. He sighed. He would love to be able to wake up and see her face every morning. To have her by his side forever. He sighed, feeling happier than he ever had before. Lily began to stir.  
  
"Morning sunshine." James said, smiling at the confused look on her face. All of a sudden her eyes got real wide. She jumped up and fell. She hadn't noticed that her legs were entangled with James'. She was sure that her face had gone as red as her hair.  
  
"Umm....morning." Lily said hesitantly. She didn't know what to say. She pulled herself up from the ground and sat on the edge of her bed.  
  
"Did you sleep alright?" James asked while smiling widely. This made Lily blush scarlet. He just grinned.  
  
"I slept okay." she said, her voice squeaky. James stood up. Lily wouldn't look at him. He moved closer and cupped his hand under her chin, forcing her to look up at him.  
  
"I don't think anything different of you." he said, staring into her forest green eyes. Lily hugged him. She felt so good to be in his arms. Lily was going to kiss his cheek, but at the last minute James turned his head and her lips landed on his. Lily felt her heart soar. She had never had anyone be this gentle to her before. She leaned into the kiss, responding to it with passion.  
  
James never thought that anyones lips could be that soft. The kiss was perfect. He would be perfectly content if the world should end right then. He felt her mouth open under his, and he took advantage of it. He kissed her tenderly. He felt her sway and put his hands around her waist. He felt hers hook themselves around his neck, pulling him closer. When they broke apart they were both flushed.  
  
"That was my first kiss." Lily whispered, touching her lips with her fingers, his hands still around her waist.  
  
"Was it satisfactory?" James asked, smiling softly down at her. She nodded her head.  
  
"It was perfect. More than you will ever know." James leaned down to kiss her again.  
  
A broken heart finds it's way through greif. The broken heart mended by something greater than all things. As always, Love conquers all.  
  
A/N. Well, I hope you all enjoyed this. If you like this I may end up writing a sequal. My first Lily/James. Review and tell me how you all liked it. Love, from ~*Padfoot's Gal*~ ^_^ 


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